Seriously, what were were thinking????
Ok...I know it's been awhile since I've written. I'm not sure anyone out there is even still following...or still cares. But that's OK...I write more for me as a way to journal and purge stuff from my mind and sometimes my heart.
So, what were were thinking? Although I've asked myself that less and less over the last few months, there were many, many months that it was a daily question. I look back over the past 13 months and wonder how we made it. More so, how I made it. My husband is much stronger than me, much more cut out for being a Dad to many children than I am being a Mom to 4. Although 4 doesn't seem like a tough number, I think sometimes it's the dynamics of the 4 that make it so challenging.
1) Squeeker - only child for 7 years.
2) I'm 40-something......too darn old for the preschool/puberty/peri-menopause combination (did I really just type that????)
3) Pickles -- my, oh my, that girl has snatched my heart and run off with it. Even in the "throws of three," she is still my girl.
4) Birth order disruption....and this is a biggee! Doesn't seem to be a big deal unless you've turned a child, or in our case, two children's birth order upside down. Literally, we took two pieces of bread, and made them the peanut butter and jelly. Not an easy transition.
5) Size --- our youngest is actually bigger in weight and height than the next oldest. Definitely causes some major issues as they've tried to sort out the "pecking order."
6) Working Mom of ONE to a homeschooling Mom of 4. Yikes...enough said there! Big transition!
7) Dying to self.......this by far, has been my biggest struggle. Letting go of ME and truly living each day for my kids. This too, is a season. One day, so they say, I'll miss this. Preschooler....mmmm..really not so sure about that.
8) Birth order issues...didn't I say that already? Yep...but I can't stress this one enough.....it's a BIG deal.
So......as we are turning the corner into beginning our 2nd year home with our sibling group, I must say, I've been stretched beyond my wildest imagination, challenged daily, hourly, on the edge of the ledge, come back from the brink. Would I do it all over again???? Ahhhhh..that's the BIG question. Would I? If I knew then what I know now, would I?
Today, that answer would be an astounding YES......a few months ago, hmmm...can't really say how I would answer that. There were days in the not so distant past that I would have "undone" it.......... no doubt about it. But I've looked at how we've grown together as a family, how much I've grown as a wife, mother and a woman, and realize that God's got it.....God's had me all along......if only I'd have let go of needing to do it all by myself. It probably wouldn't have been so hard, so challenging, so frustrating.
We still have a long way to go.....But each day, each hour, each minute, God is weaving the tapestry of our family together....And one day, we'll look back at how marvelous our God is to have brought us together the way He did.
Paper Airplanes - Last Monday was the 27th, seven months since we said goodbye. Being in a Third World country for the first time, far away from home and my family, the hole...
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