"If I Knew Then What I Know Now....."

"If I Knew Then What I Know Now....Would you _______????" (fill in the blank)

A dangerously delicate and loaded question, isn't it? I've toyed with this question a lot the last week for reasons I won't delve into. I would caution anyone reading this not to ask this question if you are not truly prepared for any possible answer, including the one you'd least expect.

Do we ask because we wonder what our lives would have been like if we really knew what it would be like BEFORE we had to make a choice? or would we make no choice at all?

Do we ask because we'd choose another path, the one without resistance, pain and heartache?

Do we ask because we need validation?

Do we ask because we have insecurity and need affirmation?

Do we ask because we really want the truth?

Be careful.......the truth can set you free, but it can also paralyze you.......

I know firsthand how much freedom comes with truth,

and also how absolutely devastating the truth can be.

The truth can cut you like a knife......

The truth can release you from the bondage of sin.

The truth CAN set you free.......

The truth can feel like a gut-wrenching punch that steals your breath away.

The truth can steal your security....

The truth can make everything you thought you knew, be a lie.

The truth is......life hurts.

The truth is......life is hard.

The truth is.....it takes pain to grow.

The truth is.....suffering makes us more like Christ.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now, Would I......

• treat my mom differently knowing she was going to die at 60?
• would I say "I'm sorry" and mean it?
• would I offer forgiveness sooner (because it truly does set you free)
• would I be less stubborn?
• waited til my mid-30s to have children?
• married my ex-husband?
• adopted twice?
• moved "South?"
• become "Baptist?"
• run from God instead of towards God?

.....and the list goes on an on.......and each of us have our own "list" of choices we've made that have defined and shaped our lives.

Every choice we've had to make over the years, every crossroad life has delivered us to EXACTLY where we are today. God has woven an incredible tapestry called "life" in each of our lives and we are exactly where He wants us to be; even though it may not be where WE want to be. God doesn't make mistakes...He brings good out of everything.

It may not seem it at the moment, when the pain is running deep.

Yet God heals......

and that's what I'm holding on to..........

Because I Am Broken

Because I am Broken......I am afraid

Because I am Broken.......I am angry

Because I am Broken.......I am frustrated

Because I am Broken.....I am resentful

Because I am Broken......I am bitter

Because I am Broken.......I am critical

Because I am Broken........I saw myself in him today......

I had to stop running.....

Because now I understand........

His anger is like my anger.....

His hurt is like my hurt...

The pain of abandonment........

The loss of everything he knew......

Why, God, he must ask? Everyone and everything he knew is gone......

They promised him everything would be OK in America.....

But it's not OK......

His heart still hurts.....

He is still so confused....

He doesn't understand so many things......

But then, he starts to trust.....and to smile.....and his eyes are so bright and shiny....

........

But then he pulls back....

And he is angry again.....really angry.

Why can't I play with that toy made for toddlers?

Why don't I have friends like big brother does?

Why do I have to go to that big, big school?

Why, I ask?

Because I am broken.......I finally see.......that he too, is broken.

That is our connection.....

That is our bond....

This is what we can hold on to.....

To move forward.

I love you little guy......my heart hurts too.

Together, yes together, we'll get through this......

I am so very sorry........my heart hurts for not understanding....

But now I do.....

As I held you while I cried today, my heart swelled with love for you.....

Will you forgive me?

Will you trust me?

..
..
..

Will you be my son?

A Mother's Letter to the World.....

In less than an hour, I load the kids in the car and go to Open House at my boys' new school. This school is new to us this year, and to our county. It's a brand new shiny technology and science school. But a much bigger change for both of my boys. For one, it is a change from a small, intimiate Christian school, to a huge public elementary school. For the other, wow...I don't know if I can accuratley contrast a school in Ethiopia to an American school.

Others have already started school...some with homeschooling, other public and private counties that have earlier start dates than we do. For some, it is a time of excitement, joy, and possibly a little peace and quite during the day. For others, it is a time of great sadness to see their child(ren) grow up and go to Kindergarten for the first time.

I thought this day would never come.............

The longest summer of my life........

There were days I counted how many days til school started.

The past week, or so, my heart has changed. I'm not sure if it is because we've started to settle into "normal." Normal, you say, what's normal? Well, honestly, I'm not sure what normal is. How can anyone call my family "normal?" But I digress......

Today, this moment, my feelings are mixed. One of my boys just had a "moment," so this very moment, the first day of school can't come quick enough. Yet, I know, this moment will pass, and I'll be filled with nostalgia and sorrow......sorrow of what I never had with them; one of the drawbacks of older children adoption.

So today, with very mixed emotions, I'd like to share with you a poem I've had tucked in the back of my bible. It's author is unknown, and it is called:

"A Mother's Letter to the World"

Dear World:

My son starts school today. It's going to be strange and new to him for a while. And I wish you would sort of treat him gently.

You see, up to now, he's been king of the roost. He's been boss of the back yard. I have always been around to repair his wounds, and to soothe his feelings.

But now --- things are going to be different.

This morning, he's going to walk down the front steps, wave his hand and start on his great adventure that will probably include wars and tragedy and sorrow.

To live his life in the world he has to live in will require faith and love and courage.

So, World, I wish you would sort of take him by his young hand and teach him the things he will have to know. Teach him -- but gently, if you can. Teach him that for every scroundrel there is a hero; that for every crooked politician there is a dedicated leader; that for every enemy there is a friend. Teach him the wonders of books.

Give him quiet time to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun, and flowers on the green hill. Teach him it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat.

Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone else tells him they are wrong. Teach him to sell his brawn and brains to the highest bidder, but never to put a price on his heart and his soul.

Teach him to close his ears to a howling mob....and to stand and fight if he thinks he's right.

Teach him gently, World, but don't coddle him, because only the test of fire makes fine steel.

This is a big order, World, but see what you can do. He's such a nice little fellow.

Out of Pennies

In the chaos of my everyday life of raising four kids, a lot happens during the day that you don't have a chance to process until later......when the kids are in bed......when it's quiet....no TV...no radio...no Facebook (yikes!).........no internet.

Just quiet.....quiet...

no peace, but quiet.

In the course of chasing two preschoolers out of the master bedroom for what seems like the 100th time, a penny fell out whatever I had in my hand at the moment. Of course, I can't seem to recall what I had in my hand. But, I do remember the penny falling to the floor. I picked it up, put it down, and remember thinking: "yeah, Mom...I hear you."

What I didn't realize THEN was that was the last penny from heaven....

the last time I'd feel my Mom presence....

the last time she reached out to me to tell me to change....

the last time she tried to instill her wisdom to me as a mom...

the last time......I could hold on to the grief of losing her.....

the last time I could wallow in my own self-pity.....

I had many conversation with my Mom those last few months...none more impressive to me that the "penny" conversation. She had great wisdom about marriage.......she thrived through an oppressive marriage to my father. For years, I had no respect for her because she stayed. Many years later, my admiration for her grew, because she stayed......because she didn't run...

when I would have.

One of the last conversations with my Mom, I asked her how was I going to do this (wife and motherhood) without her. I needed her wisdom, her experience, her strength. After years of a strained relationship with my Mom, we were finally able to put our differences aside and have the relationship I had yearned for for years. God gave me her as a mother for a reason; little did I know WHY until today.

"Pennies," she said..."I'll throw you pennies from heaven when you are wrong. When you see a penny on the ground, I'm talking to you, Robin." I have to be honest, I've seen many pennies in the 4+ years since my Mom died. But yesterday's penny was different; and it didn't really hit me until just a few minutes ago. I knew I finally needed to let her go.....to stop wishing, and praying that she was here with me. No one knows me like my Mom did...no one understands me like she did....no one taught me to be me like she did.......I NEED HER...............

to hold me...

to comfort me....

to snap me out of the funk I've been in...., not to mention the pity party I've been stuck in....

I can see my children in a different light now. Their grief isn't any different than mine.....their hurt doesn't hurt any less than mine does.

It's time to let go.........because I'm out of pennies.

It's time to look up, and keep looking up to THE only one that can heal.

Sweet Jesus...hear the cried of my heart today...hear the cries of my children's heart, even though they don't understand what they feel.

We come to YOU today,

broken and hurting

weary and burdened

give us rest

Sweet Jesus.

A Little Progress....Maybe????

Sometimes, something totally unexpected happens.....

Today at lunch was one of those moments..... I call them "God moments."

Let me first elaborate a bit on mealtime at my house since we returned from Ethiopia. One word comes to mind when I think about any meal at my house: STRESSFUL. Oh my...I've lost about 10 lbs from the stress...and running back and forth to the kitchen for more food, more drink....more of something. Along with the running, I've found that I'm too exhausted .... too stressed......and just too "icked" out to eat. What kind of word is "icked" out, you ask????

Well, since I couldn't put the word I really wanted to use on my blog, "icked" was the only word deemed appropriate and still gently conveyed my feelings. I'm not going to elaborate, but I'm sure, some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about......

By the time I finally sat down to eat my lunch, one of my children had already finished and wanted to eat what I was eating. At some point in this journey, I have to decide what is true hunger and what was the fear of being hungry again. Today, for some reason beyond my comprehension, the thought came to me to teach my little ones a few lessons via a very personal example......

Two of my children were still eating their lunch. Everyone had the same thing: applesauce and macaroni & cheese. I'm not a big fan of macaroni & cheese....at least the packaged stuff. Homemade mac & cheese...now that's a different story. I was eating the leftover pasta from the night before. In America, leftovers = eeh...not so good. My Ethiopian children don't quite see it the same as us. For them, it's a competition to see who gets the "good stuff." I don't quite get it, but honestly, I don't think I'm suppose to.

So...I had a dilemna. Do I give ONE child more food.....which would be the pasta that I was eating??? And not give it to ALL of them? Sometimes motherhood is boiled down to this: are all things equal??? or not? I really did not know what to do. I try so hard to be fair and equal, and not show favoritism. Yet, all my children are unique in their own special way.

I pondered over this dilemna for a few minutes. I even spoke to this specific child that it really wasn't fair to give him/her the plate of pasta when the others were eating the mac/cheese. Finally, I decided to go ahead and give him/her the pasta, but ask him/her to watch what happened when I did. Of course, exactly what you think would happen did: the others wanted what he/she had. So....as any good mother would do, I asked him/her what was he/she going to do about it? Share??? or not to share?

And God showed up.....in a big way. The next thing I know he/she is sharing his pasta with the others..........

Wow.......what a lesson on grace.......