A Few Moments.....

I'm breathing....really breathing...and all on my own.....

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been overwhelmed, depressed and still fighting to breathe as we adjust to our new life with four children. The days are getting easier, the tantrums are less often. And finally, praise God for this, we are starting to see the bonding take place. The boys are both still struggling....they both are very needy, and unfortunately, the girls are getting more of the attention just because their ages dictate it.

So.....what am I doing?????? Right this very minute, I am dressed (ha...you know what I mean...I actually have on a cute pair of sandals.....) and have make-up on. Wow??? Make-up???? What's up with that????

Well.......

I'm sitting in the lobby of the Embassy Suites in Concord, NC for the annual She Speaks Conference because there was a mix-up in my schedule and I found out I had a few hours of time to myself. I registered for this conference way back in the late winter, thinking the timing on our 2nd adoption would have been different. Home a month, well, 33 days to be exact, but who's counting, and I'm away from home for two days (notice I didn't say nights???? I'll be driving home late both nights so that I can be with the kids, if even for a few minutes in the morning).

And how do I feel about that? You know it would be unlike me to tell a lie.......

As always, I'm going to lay it on the line and put my soul out there....

I really didn't want to go to the She Speaks Conference; for many reasons more than I want to go into right now. Then, the last few days, I wanted to go because I just wanted to get out of the house, away from the kids, so I could breathe, and hopefully, in this time away from the kids, find myself again. Who I am??? Who was I??? Who/what am I suppose to be????

And then something funny happened..and please don't tell my husband this, because I'll NEVER hear the end of it. I sat in the driveway this morning programming my GPS (the very best invention in the world!!!). And........part of me didn't want to leave! WHAT??????? I was dumfounded with that emotion....WHERE did THAT come from???? I've been dying to get away from the kids, from work, from the house, from everything......I was drowning in a myriad of emotions.........I was overwhelmed...discouraged...and depressed with all the responsibilities I now carried on my shoulders as a mother to FOUR children. I wanted to breathe......I needed to breath..........just breathe...............

without interruption,

without someone tugging at my leg, calling "Mommy........Mommy......"

without having to take a preschooler ....or two......to the "potty."

As I sat in the car getting ready to put the car in "reverse," I watched each of my children walk outside to help Daddy with the firewood. I was finally able to see each one of them in a different light.......

The light God intented for me to see them in....the light in which GOD saw them............

And my heart swelled with love for each one of them. They are all so different in so many different ways, and yet I noticed something new on each one of their little faces.....(ok..let's face it .... none of my children have "little" personalities..they all have larger - than - life personalities).

I saw Love....

I saw Trust....

I saw "I feel safe here......"

I saw a Family.......

I saw God............and the incredible tapestry in which he weaved my incredible unique and diverse family together....

I can't wait to get home...to hug each and everyone of them and tell them...and show them....how much Mommy loves them.

This time in my life is a season.......and one day, many years from now...I'll look back and remember this morning as a Spiritual Marker....the day I saw God in each one of my beautiful children..............

A Picture of Grace....

We've been blogging for well over a year and a half now and never explained to anyone where the name of my blog came from. Normally, it's probably not very interesting to most, but it's a good segway into the theme of this post: Grace.

Our Sunday School lessons this summer have been on Grace and more recently, "Gracism:" the focus on race for the purpose of positive ministry and service. Gracism, defined by David Anderson, founder and senior pastor of Bridgeway Community Church, a multicultural congregation located in Columbia, Maryland, is exhibited in the following ways:

• I will lift you up



• I will cover you



• I will share with you



• I will honor you



• I will stand with you



• I will consider you



• I will celebrate with you

Before I delve into Grace more deeply, I want to elaborate on how my blog got it's name. Evangeline was my maternal grandmother's name. I love her more than life itself. She was born in the Azores of Portugual and came to the United States when she was somewhere around 11 years old! She was the light that kept me going and the savior from "Dysfunctin Junction" from my childhood. I loved her like no other. She passed away in 1991; I was in my mid-late 20s. I was devasted. As the years passed, memories of her resurfaced, especially lately. Little did I know then, but her life, the way she lived every day, was an example of Grace to me.

Grace is the name of David's aunt......Silly, but real story: he tried to climb into her casket when he was just a little boy.


Originally, before Pickles came home, I wanted to name her after my Grandmother. The day after our referral, both David and I woke up knowing we needed to keep her birth name. I never got around to changing the name of my blog.


Real life examples of how God showed up for me this week through His Amazing Grace:

I will honor you: Birth father to two of our children, whom we promised to raise in the Church, by wearing traditional Ethiopian attire at our children's dedication service last Sunday. We are so incredibly humbled by both his gift and our child's birth Mom, who still mourns the decision to give her child up.















I will stand with you: Special alone time with the child that needed me the most; God showed me Grace today through that special time....stolen time, because how I managed to find time today with this specific child could only be described as Grace.

I will celebrate with you: An almost 70 year old woman, aka Granny, getting on a bicycle for the first time in how many years, to share the joy, the freedom, of riding a bike with her grandchildren.













































I will celebrate with you: A much older brother, shares his love with his new siblings.


















I will consider you: A wife who holds her husband's hand and walks him through the little tasks that are now overwhelming to him after a brain hemorrage 5 years ago. What a perfect picture of grace. This women really inspired me today. I stopped to speak to her at the gym this morning after watching interact with her husband now for a few days. I found the courage to approach her today to let her know how much her unconditional love for her husband had inspired me to be kinder and gentler wife.

I will share with you: Grace, through an Uncle who lost his wife 1.5 years ago to cancer.....who advise on marriage is invaluable......

I will lift you up: Our church family, that continues to lift us up to the Lord in prayer, as we work through the transition of this adoption.



I really believe we are too busy looking for the "miracle," the really big, can't miss God experience. Yet we miss the little miracles of God's grace every day. I don't know about you, but I'm going to try, every day, to look for God's grace...it's there....abundantly, we've just been looking in the wrong places for it!

Some other photos from Sunday and the week!

Did You Know......?????

in the eyes of others born outside our beautiful country, America has the perception of being Utopia..aka the "promised land," similar to the one that God promised the Israelites in the Old Testament. I probably would laugh if I wasn't living this misguided perception from the eyes of a 6 1/2 year old little boy who believed everything that was told to him about how perfect his life would be once he got to America.....

So....you ask...what exactly does that look like? How do you know he thinks "America is Utopia?" I've questioned many times if he was saying Ethiopia or Utopia...and honestly, sometimes I think he uses them interchangeably, depending upon the circumstance. Today, he wanted Ethiopia because the reality of America was not exactly what he was expecting. Life is not perfect here...and no, he doesn't get everything and anything he wants, nor can he behave inappropriately (like hitting and kicking his sister) when he doesn't get what he wants. It has been a very difficult adjustment for him. I wish I could turn back the clock and talk to the person with the misguided intentions that told him life in America would be perfect for him and set them straight...tell them the real reality that here in America, you have the opportunity for success...to be all you can dream of being......but it is not handed to you on a beautiful gold or silver-plated platter. It requires work....... hard, hard work, dedication to your dreams, and sacrifices that are beyond what you can even imagine. The American Dream is not a gift given to you because you are born an American or are now American through adoption or other means. The dream of being an American is the opportunity to be all you want to be and so many of us have forgotten that.

And grief...we cannot forget grief. Grief manifests itself in a little boy in primal screams and temper tantrum meltdowns that were beyond my comprehension until recently. I thank God every day for the training we received from Gladney...without Dr. Purvis' training, I don't know if I would be equipped to handle it without causing more harm. Intinctively, your primary response as a mom is the one that would do the most damage to bonding with an older adoptive child. You can not focus on the behavior, you have to look beyond the behavior, i.e. the meltodwn, the anger, the lashing out, you have to focus on their heart....and how it's breaking for all that they've lost and have no other way to express it except in complete and uninhibited primal responses. It takes a moment or two to pull back, control your initial response and refocus on the training.......the child is hurting...in a deep, deep pain we cannot begin to comprehend. Nurture.....down on their level...look them in the eyes..talk softly to them...explain to them that it's ok to hurt.....it's ok to feel pain...it's ok to be angry. But it's not ok to hit your sister...it's not OK to kick her.....How do you gently discipline and tenderly love at the same time????? I don't profess to have all the answers, or even a few at the moment........I just hold him tightly.....rock him gently, and tell him I love him, and that I am here for him ALWAYS....but mostly, it's OK to cry.......it's OK to hurt.......and that he's safe here with us.....and we'll be here with him as he works through his grief.

God Speaks.....

I've thought about how to write this post a lot over the past 36-48 hours, and as usual, I am prompted to be brutally honest, without sugar-coating or glossing over the hard stuff. I think I owe that to all adoptive families out there........the ones that have adopted older children, and the ones that are contemplating it. Some may be offended by my honesty, and I hope the majority of you will respect me for the raw emotions about I'm about to disclose. So, here goes....

I haven't had much time lately to read my daily devotions. Honestly, I haven't had much time to breathe and am thankful that breathing is an automatic bodily function that does not require thought because if it did, I think I would forget to breathe. Last night, I had a brief moment to catch up on my daily devotions. I guess they aren't daily when you do a week at a time....I hope God understands that my heart is in the right place as we try to sort out our new life of temporary chaos. I've had no less than 9 interruptions as I've tried to type this post. God...please give me the strength to get through each moment.......

One of the devotions was titled "Active Listening...." Ha...I had to laugh. Seriously, God.....active listening requires time, and time is the one thing that is seriously lacking in my life at the moment. I found myself getting angry and bitter....How did that happen so quickly??? I do not have one brief moment to collect myself. Selfishly, I need those brief moments to compose myself.......bring it all together so that I can be a better mom; one with compassion and patience. I thought I was prepared for this....I did all the training, read blogs of families that had adopted older children. I had done my homework, or so I thought. Yet nothing, and I mean nothing prepares you for the all - consuming needs of these absolutely beautiful, precious, yet broken children. Although they each have biological ages, emotionally their needs are of much younger children.

This morning, I was at my wit's end. I had thoughts of "what on earth were we thinking???" Those thoughts ran through my mind repeatedly, like a reeled tape, over and over and over again. I was angry, frustrated, upset, overwhelmed, short-tempered, and frazzled. If only, I thought, could get them down for a nap at the same time and have a few moments to compose myself. I sought help through a local ET adoptive board; two women who have adopted older children, came to my rescue with advise, suggestions, but mostly a big dose of compassion when I needed it the most. "This phase will end," they both said, and I'd look back in a few months with distant memories. Just like childbirth, I thought. I'd forget just how hard this is and be able to breathe again...to smile......and to love the way I know God created me to.

And again, God spoke to me. Louder this time, but again through another Godly woman who I deeply respect and admire. She left me a post on Facebook and asked me to read her blog. I, apparently, had inspired her. I almost choked with laughter...that was the funniest thing I had heard in weeks!

And then I cried.....not just streaming tears, but the gut-wrenching tears that take your breathe away. I sobbed for what I'd lost.....a bit of peace and tranquility......I sobbed for Pickles and Squeeker and the changes this meant for them....I sobbed for the changed in my marriage I was prepared for.... I sobbed for the loss the Big & Little S are experiencing as they've been yanked away from all that is familar to them.....and I sobbed for God's amazing grace demonstrated through the kind words and acts of others. God has been pouring his amazing grace upon me....almost like a permanent, but cheerful rain cloud, since we left for Ethiopia.

Today, we turned a corner. I'm looking up and not inward. God chose us for this amazing journey, and He will give me all I need, each and every moment.....

Come....share this journey with us......

Happy 4th of July

This year, the 4th of July takes on a new meaning. Big S is old enough to know and understand the implications of "coming to America." All the way home, in the airport and on the airplane, he asked us if "are we in America yet?" He also mentioned numerous times that America is "Utopia." Wow...that one really took us by surprise. Fortunately, we were warned by one of our agency's in -country personnel, that some of the older kids have the misconception that life in America is perfect, and all their problems are solved. Well, based on what we've seen/experienced in the past week being home, I can attest that is a reality for these children. We've had a week of reestablishing realistic expectations for them and setting boundaries.

Honestly, it's been a rough week in many ways, but each day gets a little easier and we all are starting to settle in and bond.

I do love older children adoption...their little personalities are awesome: their language...their accent takes my breath away......and their facial expression, ranging from confused, sad to elation when they see something for the very first time. We are not having the language issues we anticipated; Big S speaks, read and writes English. When necessary, he'll translate sometime to Little S or vice versa. But even without his translation, we are managing to communicate with Little S.

So, here are a few pictures of the last few days....of our family celebrating the 4th of July......