A Cynic Meets God = Hope

I am a self-professed cynic. I just can't help it. It is what happens when you grow up at Dysfunction Junction, the phrase I've coined by family and childhood. Ok, before you bash me, please read on. I am not a fan of the "blame game." I believe you can not change the deal you were dealt, but you surely can change what you do with it.

So....Ms. Cynic Meets God. Yes, little by little, God has been working on me. Sunday, David left for Colorado on a planned business trip. I toyed with the idea of skipping church. It was raining, and gosh, it's realy hard trekking two kids through the wet parking lot by yourself. Even though the thought was a fleeting one, I felt God intercede. "I know you are upset Robin, I know you don't understand the delays. Please trust me........let me show you this morning how much I love you." "Ok God"....I said. "I'll go." I learned a long time ago not to argue with God. You always lose. I knew almost immediately that today was the day I would walk the isle during invitation time. You see, I hadn't cried since we got the news Friday about not passing court. I shed a few tears, but I didn't have one of those cleansing cries.....you know the one...the ugly gut racking sobs where you can't catch your breath. Gross, I know, but I always feel better after one of those cries.

Our church service was extraordinary. I know I wasn't the only one to feel God's presense with us. During the 2nd invitation song, I knew it was time. I didn't make it out of the pew before the tears started to fall. Let me tell you, it's a LONG walk to the front of the church from the back pew. Almost immediately upon falling onto the alter, sobbing uncontrollably, I felt the presense of many hands on me, petitioning God on my behalf. I don't know how long I cried, or how long they prayed. When I sensed it was time, I turned around and 5 or 6 beautiful ladies surrounded me, hugging me and praying over me. I was shocked and stunned, which only made me cry more. In that incredible outpouring of love from the beautiful ladies of our Sunday School class, God showed me He was still there with me.

Earlier that morning, he made a promise to me.....and He kept it.

I've also experienced an incredible outpouring of support and love from the Blog community. Those of you out there, you know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know you feel my pain, the anquish I feel, and understand the unquenchable desire to hold my children. God showed me His unconditional love through all of you.

A few years ago, I delivered my testimony to a small group of people, as my final cleansing of the past abuse that was holding me captive. I needed to speak those words in order to finally have the peace I had so long for desired. One of the many bible verses I quoted was Romans 5:3. If I was to pick just one Bible verse as my life verse, this would be it:

"Not only so,

but we also rejoice in our sufferings,

because we know that suffering

produces perseverance;

perseverance, character;

and character, hope.

And hope does not disappoint us,

because God has poured out His love

into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,

whom he has given us." NIV

Pretty powerful. And again in James 1:4

"Perseverance must finish its work

so that you may be mature and complete,

lacking in nothing." NIV

But God, I don't want any more character. Don't I have enough?

Hear the cries of my heart, O God.

And yet, God continues to develop my character through perseverance because it is His plan for me. Sometimes I ask: "Will this ever end??? Will life EVER be easy?" I'm not sure I have the answer to these questions, but I do know one thing: I will not give up! Those two precious children waiting in Ethiopia are meant to be our children. I am meant to be their Mommy and David is meant to be their Daddy. It is part of God's bigger plan for us to raise them up in the Lord. My hope, yes HOPE, is that they will return to Ethiopia one day, to make a difference in the lives of their countrymen and women.

Little by little, piece by piece, God is changing me. Purging the cynicism from me, replacing it with a HOPE that only God can do.

"For I know the plans I have you,"

declared the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you HOPE and a future.

Then you will call upon me

and come and pray to me,

and I will listen." Jer 29:11-12

"Come and pray to me....and I will listen."

Is that not an incredible promise???

Poppa, Poppa, can you hear me?????

2 Court Dates.......The Aftermath

Honestly, I never saw myself writing this post. I had the pictures of my two beautiful Ethiopian children all queued up and ready to post to the world. So what happened....you ask?

Thursday, I took the day off to paint the girls' room. It had to be done and I might as well do something constructive while I waited for the call. The call came earlier than expected...around 11:30 EST. I knew immediately from the tone of Mary's voice that is was not the news we had expected. Yet the news wasn't totally bad. The birth father did not show up for court; Gladney sent someone to locate him and our court date was rescheduled for the following day, Friday. Ok,,,,,,another 24 hours: we could handle that. Honestly, we thought Friday was just a formality. Boy, were we wrong.......................

On Friday, instead of taking another day off, I decided to go to work with my husband so that we could celebrate the good news together. The morning dragged on; anxiety kicked in at a high speed and we jumped everytime the phone rang. At approximately 12:30, my cell phone rang. Immediately, I knew it was bad news. I felt like a deflated balloon....limp and in shock. Which later turned to anger.

In a nutshell, without disclosing too much information, the birth father did not satisfactorily answer the Judge's questions surrounded the paternity of his children. In the Judge's defense, I have to admire her for her courage to stand up and say that she need additional information regarding our childrens' parentage. Ethiopian and its people continue to surprise me with their integrity and always putting the best interests of the child at first.

Some of you will be angry at that statement, but let me explain. What are the best interests of the child(ren)? If we are to be totally honest with one another, we would say to be with their birth parents. That's how the Social Services system works here in our country too. The best interest of any orphan would be to stay with relatives, preferably their parents, in their own country and culture. Yet, we all know that life is not always a bowl of cherries. It's ugly, painful and not always what it appears to be. Life is hard. When we take off the rose colored glasses, we see despair from overwhelming poverty that pictures can never fully capture. Engaging all 5 senses is how I feel you need to experience poverty first hand to truly grasp how desperate these parents feel. International adoption is a final offering of love from the birth parents in an effort to do whatever it takes to give their children the chance for a better life. In some cases, it is the only chance for LIFE!

So today, I sit here, sad and depressed....and let's not forget frustrated and angry. This has been a long road for us.....Six deaths in our family in 18 months; ongoing delays in our adoption, uncertainty for what the future holds for us. Is God calling us to the mission field? Yes, we believe He is. I won't disclose more than that right now as the details are still not clear to us. But David and I both believe that God is preparing us for something bigger. He equips the called, He does not call the equipped. Nothing in our life has been easy...smooth sailing is not a description we would ever use to describe our life. Robert Frost's poem "The Road Less Travelled" can explain our life, but mostly, it wasn't what we chose for ourselves. It was the path God chose for us. God does have a purpose in this delay, and although I do not understand why, I am comforted in knowing He is right here beside me, holding me as I cry, as I struggle with an unquenchable desire to hold my children and tell them I love them.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller,

long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood,

and I-- I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference...

Robert Frost

Not Today...

we did not pass court....rescheduled for June 11th......

Not Today....Maybe Tomorrow

Not today....but it was reschedule for tomorrow.

Please keep praying for us.....

The "In-Between"

Daily life does get busy with children, and I'm sure to get busier when we bring Big and Little S home from Ethiopia, hopefully very soon! Yet, I still strive to find the time to do a daily devotion that was designed for busy women.

Our church, Front Street Baptist Church, provides for us monthly devotionals for both women and men, along with monthly magazines for families and parents. I must admit, I do enjoy them, when I find the time to do more than glimpse at them in passing. All of these wonderful devotions are published by http://www.lifeway.com/.

This week, there were two devotions that really struck a nerve with me. The first was title "The Waiting Room." Hmmmm....how appropriate; I could have used this devotions months ago (slight sarcasm). "Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him." Psalm 37:7 and "Samuel took the horn of oil, anointed (David) in the presence of his brothers, and the Spirit of the Lord took control of David. 1 Samuel 16:13. The first verse spoke of waiting, which is a requirement in international adoption, regardless of whether you want to or like to (additional sarcasm added). The devotion states: "Trust is usually developed during times of trials, even if waiting for God can sometimes be tough." ....."Trust is our gift back to God...the way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future." (Ruthless Trust).

The second devotion was even more meaninful to me. As I read it Saturday night, I honestly looked around the room to see if I could see God standing there reading it to me. The words literally jumped off the pages, singing a tune of their own to me. The devotion read: "Have you ever found yourself in a similar place (to the future King David, who was promised to be the future king at a very young age, yet spent many years hiding from King Saul, who was trying to kill him), truly believing God has shown you a passion to pursue and given you a vision for the future (emphasis mine), but then nothing seems to happen?" The devotion then goes ton to: "Most of your life will be lived in the in-between -- between times of action, clarity and accomplishment. Don't let this news discourage you. It's the middle time when God really goes to work hammering out the details of your character and preparing you for action. God is just as focused on developing you into someone who reflects His image as He is on completing a task."

Wow....I must say, I was a bit taken back. I never really felt the proverbial sledge hammer hit my head as hard as I did Saturday night. The "in-betweens" ....... the last 5 1/2 months have been one long in-between for me. Yet, as I reflected on these past few months, I get a better glimpse of why our wait has been so long. I'm thankful that God didn't wait years to reveal to me His purpose....His perfect timing in this, our 2nd adoption. He's been preparing me to be the mother of 4 small children.....he's developing, do I dare say, patience in me, along with a compassionate heart. All along, He's been preparing me to see the things He knows I'll see when we return to Ethiopia, things I've never seen before, knowing I wasn't ready to see them. How precious that God loves me so much that the time spent in-between are as important as the ultimate task at hand.

As we prepare for our court date next week, we've started the physical tasks of sorting and organizing stuff for our trip. Yet we will embark on a bigger journey, an emotional journey of "discovery" to Kidmia, in Gunchire, Ethiopia, who'se purpose is to provide a transitional Christian home for Ethiopian orphans that is eventually self-sustaining. This has become my passion -- this is what God has been preparing me for. As much as our first visit to Ethiopia changed us in ways we never anticipated, I am bracing myself for a whirlwind of emotions that I know only God can prepare me for as we experience first hand the true plight of the Ethiopian orphans.

1 Week to Go.....

and counting. I'm ready to start counting the days now...... The last 7 weeks have flow by. We've been so busy trying to finish up the house, racing against the clock. I've looked back at how at the weeks have flown by. Today feels like it should be Friday. and honestly, I'm afraid the next 7 days are going to drag...like a child waiting for Santa to come.

We've started pulling together the stuff we need to pack: perishable food items for the plane, some humanitarian aid. Thanks to our wonderful church, Front Street Baptist Church , who supplied all of the diapers and wipes!!! My dining room table is starting to look like a packing table. I've hesitated to start packing until we passed court, for fear of having to unpack, like we did once before with Pickle's adoption, but I honestly have peace about our court date next week.

Last week, we received an amazing update with pictures of the kids. I stared at their picture on and off for hours and then days. It finally became real to me....I let myself get excited at the prospect of the reality of them finally coming home. It's been 5 1/2 months since our referral. We were wearing winter coats........today we are in shorts and flip flops. For many months, I had to shut my emotions down in order to get through the days and weeks. To watch others get court dates and travel before us was more than I could bear. It hurt so much. To love them so much, without being able to hold them was a form of torture for me.

And here we are, on the cusp of our court date. A myriad of emotions are running through me: anxiousness, nervous, excited, and a bit scared all at the same time. I just want to hold my babies.......and tell them in Amharic that I love them.

......and then I think of Coffeemom, who I haven't been able to get off my mind for days, and I somehow feel guilty (that's that Catholic upbringing coming back to haunt me!) for getting excited when they are now stuck in limbo. The court date is the final hoop you have to get through in international adoption, at least for Ethiopia. And yet, with that behind them, they are still left with feelings of uncertainty and the road ahead is unknown...new unchartered territory for international adoption. This road of international adoption is hard.....the highs are high and the lows are low. Unfortunately, you don't see the change coming either. Yet, in the end, when you meet your child(ren) for the first time, it all slips away.....until the next time. When, for us, the challenges and obstacles have been tougher than the first time. I ask myself all the time: God...what do you want me to learn from this experience????? So far, I can stand back and see how God has worked during the delays, but during those moments, we don't understand. We don't WANT to understand. Our inate mothering instinct works overtime and nothing we can do can change that.....

So, as time has slowed down, the house project still looms on. We are making progress by working til dark every night. David has taken time off work the past three days to try and get finished. I'm not sure if we'll make it or not, but we are close.....

Desperate Prayer Request

I've been blogging now for approximately two years. Although I originally started to help communicate to friends and family about our adoption journey, I've discovered lately that my heart has slowly been changing. Blogging does not come without conflict. Most of us that have been doing this awhile have experienced the "backlash" of blogging when our written words sometimes do not convey the true character of our heart. Or in my case, specifically, my sometimes warped sense of humor can come across offensive in the written medium.

And sometimes, blogging can be used as an advocacy to promote/inform others of your passion. For me, I am incredibly and wholeheartedly passionate about the plight of orphans in this world. Strangely, I really didn't see this coming. I was a woman who didn't want children for so many years, but here I am, traveling down this road of motherhood AND advocacy, as uncomfortable and frightening as that may be.

So, with all that said......I'm urging, begging, and praying that this post from an adoptive mom will jolt you into action. I realize 'jolt' is a strong word, but this circumstance needs action fast. Prayer is a powerful tool. I ask that anyone who reads this post and the link to Coffeemom's blog, will at the very least, pray. If God is prompting you in another way to help; if for some strange reason, whomever reading this post has the power to change these circumstances and get this girl home, then God will get the glory!

Michelle & Tom....even thought we've never met, we share your pain, your hurt, and the agony as you wait to bring Marta home.

Garage: Check. Front Porch: Partial Check

Ok..here it is. Still not quite finished. The contractor notified us at 4:30ish on Friday afternoon that we AGAIN needed to order additional siding supplies. We ran out of soffit for the ceiling of the front porch and some J channel that it connects too. David is placing what is hopefully our last order with them tomorrow.

We worked all day Saturday and got everything but the very top row of the front under the porch and the garage sided, plus major clean-up in the front yard. The mason has to come back when we are ready for him to block up the garage opening, so we'll wait until then to have him brick up the steps off the porch.

Ok...this picture is the one I need comments on. Does anyone notice anything wrong with this picture??????

Disappointment....Frustration.......Life????

Looks pretty much the same, doesn't it? Well, that's what I thought. I'm disappointed...Honestly, I don't know how else to say it. After 14 weeks, I had hoped and expected that we'd be done by now. Yeah, I know, we've run into some unforseen problems that needed to be fixed, but 14 weeks????? Come on already.........

For the record.....these pictures, except for the red colored stucco work, is where the contractor finished. Also, for the record, David and I built the porch, put up the ceiling joists, rafters, dragged too many to count pieces of 3/4" plywood on the roof by ourselves, and shingled it. And,....put the two windows in the garage and reframed the wall. And....hung the OSB board on both the front of the garage and above the garage door.

When I came home from work today, I had expected the front of the house to be completed. Disappointed doesn't even begin to grasp my emotions when I drove up and didn't see shake siding on the front wall of my house.

So.....where do we go from here???? David and I will finish it out...as of 5pm tonight, the contractor is done. Honestly, our budget for the house is busted and I refuse to tap into my emergency money OR my travel money to Africa. So, the only other option we were left with is to finish it ourselves.....with a race against time to complete before May 21st (our court date). Theoretically, we probably have until the end of May to finish, but hey, I'd like to have some fun on our boat before we travel.......


































Yes...that's my beautiful daughter and highly educated husband in his alter-ego: Wanna-be contractor!!!















We ran out of stucco dye, so I had to run to Lowe's and get another bottle to finish up the wall to match the brick around the front of the house.

So, tomorrow, we assess our siding supplies, knowing we need to order the rest of the material for the ceiling of the porch, and then get to work siding the rest of the front of the garage, and hopefully, the front of the house too. When that's done, we'll (notice I say "we????") cut up a 12" wide piece of the garage floor with a diamond blade and pour a footer. Then, our fabulous mason will come back and block up the garage and put the steps in the front off the porch. Then...(are you tired yet????) we'll rough out where the windows and door will go; fix the roof on the third garage, and then finish up the siding. Next year, when we receive our hefty tax refund, courtesy of a nice adoption tax credit, we'll finish the den, aka former garage, in order to have a bigger family room/den. But....that's next year's project.....I think we've taken on more than enough for one year.....

Til tomorrow........